(Information is general in nature, and does not replace speaking with your own medical professional to see what is right for you. Please note, support websites and phone numbers listed are for Australian audiences. We encourage you to contact your similar local support networks for families outside of Australia.)
We’ve all had those moments — staring into space mid-conversation, searching your brain for the right word, forgetting the name of someone you’ve seen 20 times. But for mothers of children with additional needs, these lapses aren’t rare. They’re constant. And worse — they’re terrifying.
No. It’s not broken. It’s burnt out. This is what long-term cognitive overload looks like — and it’s not just emotional. It’s physiological. Neurological. Hormonal. This is the cost of caregiving in crisis mode for years without pause, and indefinitely. And no one warns us about it.
If you’re raising a child with a disability, neurodivergence, or complex needs, your brain becomes a high-speed processing unit — constantly scanning for risk, tracking progress, managing therapy, schools, complex medical needs at home, juggling family and household logistics, work commitments (if you can), other children or aging parents, and then throw in a random hospital visit, surgery or illness, and things start to spiral, fast. It’s relentless, never-ending, heart-breaking, laced with guilt and grief, and at times can feel completely overwhelming.
It can start subtly. You blank on the name of your child’s therapist. You lose your keys three times in one morning. You stare at a screen, rereading the same sentence 10 times without absorbing it. It’s been likened to an induced ADHD or PTSD (and it may be either or both of these things, too).
Then it escalates: You can’t recall details in medical appointments. You forget birthdays. You zone out mid-sentence. You struggle to remember things you always knew.
One mother was referred to a neuropsychologist, fearing early cognitive decline. But her testing showed above-average cognitive function. Her brain wasn’t damaged. It was overloaded. The diagnosis? Chronic stress-induced cognitive dysfunction — or simply put, a brain that has been forced to change channels too many times, too quickly, for too long.
And it’s incredibly common. Just rarely named.
Years of medical research now confirm what mothers have been feeling in their bodies for decades:
A 2009 UC San Diego study found that mothers of children with autism showed cortisol patterns identical to soldiers in combat zones. The same vigilance. The same fight-or-flight mode. But with no rotation home, no decompression, and little societal recognition.
“Stress literally rewires the brain. It’s not emotional weakness — it’s structural change.”
— Dr. Bruce McEwen, The Rockefeller University (2007)
When the body perceives stress—whether emotional, physical, or chronic caregiving stress—it triggers the release of cortisol from the adrenal glands. Cortisol is often called the “stress hormone” because it helps your body respond to immediate threats by increasing blood sugar, suppressing non-essential functions (like digestion and immune responses), and heightening alertness. This “fight or flight” response is critical in short bursts but becomes problematic when cortisol stays elevated over weeks, months, or years.
Cortisol production is part of a complex hormonal pathway called the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, which interacts closely with the hypothalamic-pituitary-gonadal (HPG) axis — the system responsible for producing sex hormones like estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone.
When these hormones are depleted, either from chronic stress or during perimenopause, women often feel like they’re “losing themselves.” The scary part is: most of it happens silently. You just feel off, and no one can give you a clear answer why.
When cortisol hogs the body’s biochemical resources for too long, it creates a hormonal cascade often described as “adrenal fatigue” or more accurately, HPA axis dysregulation. This dysregulation can lead to:
During perimenopause, natural declines and fluctuations in estrogen and progesterone amplify these symptoms. The additional hormonal “noise” from chronic stress can make the experience feel overwhelming and confusing, as the brain and body struggle to recalibrate.
The constant mental, emotional, and physical vigilance required in caregiving is a perfect storm for chronic cortisol elevation. When paired with natural hormonal transitions, many women experience a perfect storm of fatigue, mental fog, emotional volatility, and physical symptoms. Understanding the biology behind this isn’t about finding excuses — it’s about reclaiming compassion for yourself and seeking appropriate support to rebalance your hormones and heal your nervous system.
Through books like The Postnatal Depletion Cure by Dr. Oscar Serrallach, perimenopause podcasts, and countless conversations among mothers, there’s growing recognition that the chronic, high-level stress we’re under may be fast-tracking our hormonal age beyond our biological years.
Despite these conditions affecting women globally for centuries, the medical world has only recently begun to take hormone changes seriously — and even now, women’s health is still playing catch-up. Many mums “cope” on the surface — school runs, therapy schedules, work, home, relationships, life in general — but our cells are screaming in overdrive.
It’s becoming clearer that the hormonal depletion we’re experiencing isn’t just due to age or perimenopause — it’s the physical toll of long-term, unrelenting caregiving stress.
That’s why finding an experienced women’s health GP or integrative doctor is so important. Someone who sees the full picture — hormones, stress, trauma, and life load. Don’t let your “technical age” stop you from being taken seriously. Hormonal depletion doesn’t wait for menopause, and your body deserves support now.
Perimenopause — the 4 to 10 years leading up to menopause — can begin as early as your mid- to late 30s. It’s a time when estrogen and progesterone levels start fluctuating, affecting mood, memory, sleep, energy, and mental clarity. The challenge is that many of the symptoms of perimenopause overlap with chronic caregiving stress, making it hard to know what’s what:
And while some women sail through these hormonal transitions, others feel like they’ve suddenly aged a decade — physically, mentally, and emotionally. This is where support from a skilled GP — especially one who understands women’s health, hormones, and chronic stress — can make all the difference.
Many women are now exploring a variety of evidence-based supports that have helped improve quality of life during this season, including:
These approaches are not one-size-fits-all. What works for one woman may not work for another. But they all start with the same foundation: validation. And a healthcare professional who will listen, take your symptoms seriously, and tailor a treatment plan to your body and your life.
“You’re not crazy. You’re not failing. You’re not lazy. You’re in a season of massive hormonal and emotional transition — and you deserve support through it.”
While this conversation often centres on mothers — who typically carry the bulk of the visible and invisible labour — there are many fathers and partners out there who are also deeply embedded in the day-to-day realities of raising a child with additional needs (or may be the primary carer). You may also be attending therapy sessions, doing the school runs, managing funding applications, contributing to the household, holding down the day job, or being the emotional steady hand when everything else feels like it’s in freefall. Your role is critical, and it doesn’t go unnoticed.
But just like mums, dads are not immune to burnout. Many feel the pressure to “stay strong” or “just get on with it,” which can leave their own emotional needs buried under layers of responsibility and unspoken stress. Silent mental load is still mental load. And often, dads in particular are not amazing at sharing this with friends, or anyone really until they crack.
If you’re finding it hard to sleep, feeling disconnected, anxious, withdrawn, or like you’re constantly in problem-solving mode without pause — it might be time to check in with your own mental health too. Talking to a GP, psychologist, or even a friend can be a powerful first step. You don’t have to hit breaking point to ask for support.
And if you’re a couple navigating this journey together — having open conversations, sharing the load where possible, and recognising each other’s efforts (even the small, quiet ones) can make a world of difference. No one gets a medal for doing it alone. But we do build strength when we do it together. Finding an experienced couple counsellor can help keep things on the same page and on track.
Support doesn’t mean weakness. It means strategy. This can come from professional support, such as your GP, counsellors or psychologists, as well as reaching out to fellow parents, who will be able to provide an understanding and experienced ear. And there are financial supports out there you can explore too.
Ph: 1800 422 737 | www.carergateway.gov.au
Free facilitated peer groups for parents of kids with disabilities. (www.mytime.net.au)
Online ‘Healthy Mothers Healthy Families’ through Belongside (see social media or www.belongsidefamilies.org.au)
Ask your LAC (Local Area Coordinator), Support Coordinator, or GP to review your current supports. Sometimes providing evidence through a Functional Capacity Assessment report can assist in a review.
Call 13 11 14 or www.lifeline.org.au www.lifeline.org.au
https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/
1300 22 4636 or www.beyondblue.org.au
MindSpot is a free telephone and online service for people with anxiety, stress, low mood or depression. It provides online assessment and treatment for anxiety and depression. MindSpot is not an emergency or instant response service. Call 1800 61 44 34.
Medicare Mental Health gives advice and will connect you to local mental health services. Call 1800 595 212.
MensLine Australia is a professional telephone and online counselling service offering support to Australian men. Call 1300 78 99 78, 24 hours/7 or chat online.
https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/mental-health-helplines
No, we can’t opt out of our kids’ needs. But we can reduce the mental strain and give our brains space to breathe. Here are some places to start…
Declutter the Mental Tabs Your brain isn’t lazy. It’s over-capacity. Offload tasks to a notebook, app, or whiteboard.
Sleep deprivation mimics early cognitive decline — and it’s reversible with proper rest.
If your child’s sleep is the issue, ask for:
Your GP matters. So does your gut instinct. Look for:
Keep track of your symptoms in a journal to take with you. Do your own research too around what and how you are feeling. Do some listening – podcasts like Dr Louise Newson, The Imperfects, Integrated Women’s Health, Brene Brown, and many more women’s health and menopause podcasts can be helpful to expand your knowledge (listen to a few and find some that resonate with you)
Isolation intensifies overwhelm. But connection doesn’t have to be draining.
You might not have time for full-blown self-care routines, but micro-moments of joy still matter:
Tiny rituals of joy can send powerful signals to your brain that life isn’t just stress and survival.
This one is hard — especially for mothers conditioned to always “hold it all.” But boundary-setting is one of the strongest forms of self-preservation:
If your brain feels full — it’s because it is. If you’re forgetting words, missing appointments, or zoning out — that’s not a character flaw. It’s a biological alarm bell. You’re not losing your mind. You’re carrying an impossible load — and doing it with a kind of quiet bravery that most people will never see or understand.
Because if you fall — everything else does too. And you, Mum, are irreplaceable.
